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(no subject) [Feb. 7th, 2007|09:37 pm]
What up. I'm Andrew Joseph Lee Gurney. Im 15 and I go to Learning Post. I love my life. But I have a lot of demons. Deep down I'm a really angry person. I'm a very disrespectful person. Nothing scares me cuz ive already been through hell. And im not afraid to go again. I have no regrets for the things ive done. I've done it all. Drugs, drugs, and more drugs. I like pepsi better than coke. hahahahaha yupayup hippidee hopsalot. oh yea! But I'm clean and sober now thats all that matters. I love my girlfriend Carrie more than anything and if anybody ever tries to harm her they are going to wish they were never born cuz I will gut them like a pig and try not to get any blood on my new shoes (White Macbeths, Mhm Macbeths are the shit). She completes me. I love you Carrie <3. Ten things I hate: 1. When I'm listening to a CD and it skips. 2. Being lied to. 3. Green tea. (fuckin gross) 4. People that fight in groups. 5. School. 6. Not getting my way. 7. Action. That place is a fucking joke. 8. The fact that drugs are bad for you. 9. When people disown you and then they come back and apologize when you have something they want. 10. Being bored. Ten things I LOVE: 1. Carrie <3. 2. My family. 3. Revenge. 4. Drugs. 5. Alcohol. 6. Movies. 7. Music. 8. Taking everything to the extreme. 9. The fact that I have no conscience or remorse. 10. Getting back at the people that have harmed you ten times worse

^crazy. I dont even know anymore
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(no subject) [Aug. 18th, 2006|08:52 pm]
[music |Orgy- Stitches]

I fall in love with the worst individuals.
Something as simple as the knowing smile
or the way they hug me hard
or the way they talk me out of misery

The worse they treat me
The more I adore them
And the more I pull them as close to me as possible.
I'm not just speaking of the opposite sex
I fall madly in love with the friends I aquire also.
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(no subject) [Aug. 15th, 2006|11:16 pm]
My books have kept my occupied in these past weeks in which I'm confined to my house and the rafters. I read a book entitled "smashed" and I can relate so closely to many of the things said in it. Yesterday, like most days I waited for the hours to pass until 6:30 so I could escape to IOP. Even though it isn't quite taking my mind the way I crave to leave, at least I escape from my mom's grip for a few solid hours. Afterwards I went to rafters and talked with Kathryn for a while. Her attention span is short and easily directed towards other things so she was dragged away by Candace fairly quickly. I was cold so I sat by Jordan. His insecurity forms an aura around him and I'm almost sure anyone with half a brain can recognize it from a mile away. His hand resting on my shoulder was shaking unendlessly and I almost let myself feel sorry for him. Lately I hurt. I can't escape it as easily as I used to. Today I went to Magic Mountain and people watched for a little while. The rest of the time I slept and read my book. Then I got some clothes and went to rafters. I saw Scott, Catlin, Sarah, Can, Ian, and Jordan. I'm happy in a sense. I don't know what's going on in my mind. I think I might start writing a book. is that lame?
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(no subject) [Aug. 14th, 2006|09:54 am]

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Heartbeats and stomped emotions [Aug. 14th, 2006|09:24 am]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[music |Radiohead- High and Dry]

My muscle contractions have gotten increasingly shorter. The second I feel my body start to heave with hiccups, they stop. The blood pounding through my arm and fingertips subsides when I notice it happening. It reminds me of my emotions. When I'm really happy, the second I notice I'm too comfortable or having too much fun, I snap myself out of it. When I'm devastated, all of the stupid superficial shit enters my mind and I smile my narcissistic smile and go on my day masking my feelings and truely believing everythings okay. I am such an observant person and I've come to live for coffee and cigarettes. I like the way the coffee bites my tongue and when it slides down my throat, the heat of it burns like liquor. I like the way the cigarettes send an S.O.S. to my brain that signal it to calm down and it actually listens.
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(no subject) [Aug. 14th, 2006|09:16 am]
Yesterday was uneventful. My mom wouldn't permit me to go to The Museum Of Tolerance so I sulked half the day. Then we all went on a "family outing" to see The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby, which was funny in a ridiculous sort of way. Afterwards I went to Rafters but not before my dad could get a chance to bitch at me for all of my meetings. None of the usual kids were there. I talked to Jon for a little while about the holocaust. I find that my brain really does want to learn more and it soaks up information like a sponge. I'm excited to go back to school Thursday. Joseph showed up for the 8:30 meeting and we talked for a while. I don't know why but I always enjoy conversations with him. He's more intelligent than he portrays himself. The speaker was alright. I came home and my dad let me borrow the money to pay Justin. I appreciate that so much. He stopped by and it was only slightly akward. I really miss him. Well, I sat around reading for a good hour and then tossed and turned in my bed for even longer than that. Now it's morning and I'm craving a cigarette.
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(no subject) [Aug. 13th, 2006|02:42 pm]
[music |Felt- The Biggest Lie]

The problem with you is you don't think at all
Your brains dead weight so you sink and you fall
The problem with me is co-dependency
So afraid of the day that you won't remember me.

The problem with sex is self respect calibration.
The orgasm service is your validation
The problem with love is that it lives in a book now
The problem with drugs is that they're too fucking good now
The problem with logic is that there's too many loopholes
And the problem with truth is that it's usually brutal.
The problem is, I can't trust most of what I see.
So fuck it... All the problems in life must be me.
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But I'm innocent, blame it on my equilibrium [Aug. 13th, 2006|02:13 pm]
[mood |pessimisticpessimistic]
[music |Atmosphere- Trying To Find A Balance]

My mind works better during the nighttime. An estimation as to why could only be that I've spent the whole day contemplating things and rationalizing. Sorting out my thoughts is definitely not the easiest task. So many things have happened since I've last updated. First of all, I'm not being shipped off to residential treatment. But, Austin decided to tell jesse that I've been using. At least that's what I'm told by Jesse. Candace also said I need help but didn't come straight out and say it. They confronted me about it and I denied it but finally I gave in and just admitted it. Now I'm on extreme restriction. I can't talk to anyone of the opposite sex, have to be with a parent all the time, and can only go to meetings. I've been going to the rafters every night. Some nights it hurts and I cry. I can't even explain why. Nostalgia maybe? I miss the love. I haven't sold Justin and Kyle's shirts and I told them I did. I don't know why I'm lying to them. Maybe resentment. I can't help but despise them in certain aspects. Glori was at rafters with catlin and Christine the other night. It was nice seeing all of them. All of my thoughts on the past two weeks are muddled and clumped together seeing as I haven't been able to update until now. I'll get back to them eventually.
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(no subject) [Jul. 29th, 2006|10:45 pm]
Ohhh god. I'm pretty much for sure gone to the ranch. My parents knew I was fucked up last night. I walked around with AJ and Anthony. Well, AJ basically took care of me. Held my hand and led me around. Helped me find my friends. I'm pretty pitiful. Had IOP today and Austin was there. Weird. Went to Venice and got 2 new belly button rings. I don't even care anymore. Life, whatever.
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(no subject) [Jul. 29th, 2006|12:35 am]
So Im drunk as fuck right now and trying to ype regularky and I'm doing a pretty good job I think. Laura is extreemleyu pissed at me because she was tryin g to keep an eye on me all night and she's sick of my drniking because I'm drpressed. She doesn't care If I do It fdor fun but she's really eupset at me for tongiht. I'm not depresed thougfh I don't even kknow what the fudk I did. SHit.ughhhhh
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